


Black Paper Planes

by moonflovers



Category: Haikyuu!!, ハイパープロジェクション演劇「ハイキュー!!」| Hyper Projection Play "Haikyuu!!" RPF
Genre: Akaashi Keiji-centric, Angst, Canon Compliant, Crushes, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Internal Conflict, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Miscommunication, Pining, References to Depression, Slice of Life, Slow Burn, Social Media, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-02
Updated: 2018-12-17
Packaged: 2019-05-17 04:53:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 16,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14825634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonflovers/pseuds/moonflovers
Summary: Keiji is a second year now and he has three goals for the school year: be in the honour roll, win the nationals and stop liking Bokuto.Akaashi Keiji shouldn’t like boys. It’s not normal and it isn’t expected of society- and yet he’s in love with Bokuto Koutarou, a winsome and garrulous third year and most importantly, a boy.(in which Akaashi just really wants to be a normal heterosexual guy in a homophobic society but can’t because of a boy who seems to hold the universe in his eyes).





	1. Down the line of a massive fallout

**Author's Note:**

> This isn’t beta-ed so all mistakes are mine! Please tell me if you see any :>

It wasn’t much of a surprise to anyone when Fukurodani snagged a spot for themselves at Nationals. But first year Keiji could only think that he didn’t deserve to be there when he watched Bokuto spike a ball that won them that ticket. A ball that _he_ set because their actual starting setter got an injury in the middle of the game.

Nevertheless, he screamed, exhilarated and jubilant as Bokuto came rushing at him and the rest of the team, holding his fist up in sign of victory and strength. There were tears gathering in his eyes because he realised, he managed to set a ball that Bokuto spiked- as a _straight_. Something he’d been trying to achieve since they lost the Interhigh. The thought of that filled him up with such pride that he didn’t even mind the wing spiker wrapping his arms around him in a bone crushing hug. He was smiling so hard, his face began to ache but he didn’t care at all. All he cared was that they won and he played with them when they did.

“Akaashi, you’re the best setter I’ve ever played with! I’m so glad you’re here!” This only made Keiji happier and he felt his heart beat faster and his face heat up and- _oh_.

That was when he realised he has a crush on Bokuto Koutarou, the future ace of Fukorodani’s volleyball team.

+

Keiji is a second year now and he has three goals for the school year: be in the honour roll, win the nationals and _stop liking Bokuto_.

As he ties the laces loosely on his running shoes, he wonders why he got a crush on his upperclassman who acts more like a hyperactive six year old than a seventeen year old. His mouth is left bitter on the word “crush” and he has the odd urge to punch someone or something; in fact, he brings his hand down on the floor hard, eyes scrunched up in distaste.

“A-Akaashi-san? Are you okay?”

Keiji opens his eyes and smiles softly at Kita, a first year who’s terrified of him. It’s kind of sweet of him to ask if he’s okay. “Don’t worry, Kita-kun. I just remembered something,” he keeps it vague but his kouhai’s eyes flashes in understanding and nods.

“I understand, Akaashi-san. You thought of something embarrassing. I do that too,” he says sombrely. Then after a moment, he realises he’s terrified of Keiji and squeaks in mortification, cheeks turning into a shade of dark red.

“I’ll go now! I’m going to warm up! Yeah! Bye!” Keiji watches him, slightly amused before standing up himself with his volleyball shoes in hand. As he leaves the club room, he looks up at the grey skies and prays to the gods that he’ll be able to make it home before it starts raining.

When he steps in, he sees that Komi is practicing his receives while Bokuto serves, balls landing on the wooden boards but mostly ending up flying up in the air again when Komi receives them. Konoha is practicing spiking while Washio attempts to block them. Sarukui and Onaga are running around the gym, bickering loudly about star wars and star trek while the rest of the team are almost done warming up. It feels very familiar and somewhere in Keiji’s mind, he thinks of _family_ \- perhaps a bit dysfunctional and less than desirable at times but family nonetheless.

“Akaashi, you’re later than usual,” Konoha says, wiping the sweat off his face with his shirt. “Did you receive another confession?”

Keiji nods and starts doing his warmup, ignoring the way Konoha is staring at him. “I rejected her though. I don’t have the time to date anyone right now,” it’s not a lie; he’s in one of the college prep classes and the workload is tough. It doesn’t help that he’s on the volleyball team as a starting player and it adds more pressure when he remembers that he’s playing as the starting setter in a powerhouse school.

“Was she pretty though, Akaashi?” Washio gives him something akin to an amused look. “I still can’t believe you turned down the prettiest girl in your year.”

Keiji cringes slightly when he remembers Kurosawa Nao confess to him in a crowded area, bowing as she handed him a pink letter with a red heart on it. He remembers the way she glared at him when he turned her down and strutted away from him with (fake?) tears running down her cheeks. It was the talk of the school for a week and he remembers the way boys sent him miffed looks and whispers that said he was a pompous asshole for declining her.

“Her personality is... is not my type,” he finally says, ignoring the way the two third years give each other a knowing look that Keiji still can’t decipher for some reason. “I’m going to warm up.”

“Of course, vice captain. C’mon, Konoha,” Washio grabs Konoha’s wrist and drags him away to join Bokuto and Komi.

When he finishes warming up, he sees Konoha spike a ball where Washio obviously has to run to get. He begins to run to where the ball will fly to and sets it to where Bokuto is. There’s only a moment of hesitance but the captain of the team easily runs up and spikes it with ease, sending it across the court with a satisfying smack on the floor. The smile Bokuto gives him is enough to send him into a dazed state that thankfully, no one notices.

“Nice one, Akaashi! I was a bit unprepared since you just ran and set it but it was a really great toss and- _uwa_! I spiked it really good, didn’t I?” Bokuto says, eyes sparkling.

“It was a good spike, Bokuto-san,” Keiji agrees softly. He’s busy trying to memorise the way Bokuto’s eyes crinkles when he smiles, the almost invisible scar he has on his cheek after an accident with a butterknife when he was five, the sparkle in his eyes that only appear when he sees him, full of adoration and delight.

Konoha snaps his fingers, breaking his trance. “You know what, I just realised something,” he says, smiling in a way that makes Keiji fidget where he stands. “Bokuto is the dad of our team that lets the kids- us- scream and roll around because he’s too busy ogling at his beautiful wife, Akaashi who’s trying to get the kids in check! Right, guys?”

Komi frowns at him. “I thought we’ve already established that?”

“Akaashi sure is a scary mom.”

“Well, as long as I get Akaashi’s beautiful looks, I totally agree!”

Keiji watches the team chatter aimlessly about what Konoha said, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips. He knows his face is pink but he could always blame it on how embarrassing they’re being; nothing new. Turning his gaze to Bokuto, he notices the older boy frowning, pouting in his lips as he looks at the team. Something in Keiji’s stomach sinks and he feels an impending doom as Bokuto faces him with the most serious face he’s ever seen him with; it’s actually terrifying. Then, he smiles so bright and Keiji feels relieved until Bokuto opens his mouth and speaks.

“They’re right, babe!”

The gym is suddenly eerily quiet. If Keiji’s face was a light pink, he’s sure his face is a dark scarlet red that reaches his ears now. He opens his mouth to speak but apparently, he’s lost all ability to conjure sentences because Bokuto just called him babe in front of all their teammates in a way that’s obviously full of fondness and enthusiasm that’s usually reserved for the girls he develops infatuations on. He feels like throwing up the contents of his stomach and his lungs begin to constrict. How will they react? Will they start to treat him differently? Will they take his red face as confirmation and rule it as true? That they are indeed, dating? Or will they take it as a joke from Bokuto and realise that Keiji is gay? Are they homophobic?

Komi is the first to break the silence. “Wait, does this mean I’ve lost the bet?”

“Ohohoho, pay up fellas! They _are_ dating!” Konoha says, holding his hand out at the grumbling third years, Washio swatting his hand away.

A first year named, Itou looks at them with a critical eye before saying, “Aces really do have a thing for their setters, huh?”

“Can I please be invited to your beach volleyball themed wedding?” Someone asks.

Keiji begins to relax but he also wants to combust. In the end, all he can do is shoot the scariest, most threatening glare directed at Bokuto and he thinks it is because Bokuto pales and whimpers a bit. “Can you come outside with me, _babe_?” He hisses, already pulling Bokuto out of the gym.

“Uh, yeah! We’ll be back soon, guys! Go back to practicing!” Bokuto feebly calls out.

Without missing a beat, Keiji adds, “When we return, everyone should be practicing their flying falls. If not, we will have training on Saturday.” Sometimes, he feels like he abuses his power as Bokuto’s vice-captain but at times like these, he feels like using his authority in such ways are understandably justifiable.

Once they’re a good distance away from the gym, Keiji lets go of Bokuto’s arm and waits for him to start sputtering an excuse or apology.

“I’m sorry! I thought they would take it as a joke!” Bokuto has his arms raised up, like he’s waiting for Keiji to bring a fist down on him and he feels a bit offended, if not a bit concerned. Looking at Bokuto, he feels his anger dissipate to annoyance and he sighs.

“Well, now they think we’re dating and Konoha-san just won the bet I didn’t know about. We should tell them that we’re not before this spirals out of control,” Keiji says, crossing his arms.

Bokuto quickly rearranges himself and draws his full height up. “Can’t we make it a joke?”

Keiji cocks his head at Bokuto and feels the beginning of a headache form in his temples. “What?”

“It’ll be funny! I mean, they’ll probably give us gifts or act nice to us for a while and you know, it’ll be fun to do!” The older boy is smiling now, all trace of fear gone. And he’s actually jumping like a child who’s about to get candy or a new toy.

“Bokuto-san, that would be cruel to do to our team. It could also change the dynamics of our team,” he says, watching Bokuto’s face morph into something like understanding. “We cannot do something like this. We cannot ‘date’.”

“So, you don’t want to?” Bokuto asks, looking at him carefully.

Keiji sometimes wonders if the gods are testing him and at the moment, he really feels like they are.

“Even if I did want to, I wouldn’t because we must always keep our team dynamics in mind, Bokuto-san. Do you understand?” He asks.

Bokuto deflates and nods. “I understand. We should go back, Akaashi.” He says, not looking at him in the eye.

“Okay.” Keiji doesn’t understand why he feels disappointed. Somewhere in his mind, he wishes he said “yes” to fuel his own selfish desire. But he knows better than to do something that he could end up regretting.

They walk back in silence, keeping their distance from each other. Keiji looks at the horizon and sees lightning flicker in the distance. The wind is humid and strong, tossing leaves around giving the already dark area giving this ominous aura. When they return, Keiji informs the team that they are not dating and tells Konoha to return the money to their owners since he didn’t win the bet at all. Bokuto is uncharacteristically quiet as they play, only speaking when spoken to and when absolutely necessary. He doesn’t run up to Keiji to tell him that his toss was perfect or to fish for compliments; he doesn’t even raise his hand for a high five. Still, Bokuto doesn’t flub any of his spikes or serves. In fact, Keiji notices that he seems to channel _disappointment_ into all of his plays.

They play and when they’re done, Keiji helps the others clean up even if he doesn’t have to. Like always, Bokuto waits for him at the exit but instead of talking animatedly to him about something that happened during practice or owls or the cute, smart girl in his class told him, all he does is stare at the ground. When they walk home, instead of clinging on to Keiji like usual, he doesn’t and keeps his distance.

Perhaps, without meaning to, Keiji just changed the dynamics between him and Bokuto.


	2. I tried to swim to the side

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~~NSFW SCENE AHEAD~~
> 
> ~~It starts when “Keiji looks at his phone and there’s still twenty minutes before...” and it ends when “There’s always a bitter feeling...”~~
> 
> I've realised that Akaashi is still a minor and shouldn't have nsfw works about him. i was naive to think that it was alright. i've now taken that part away but i will not hide that i wrote such thing because i did and i can't change it but i've grown and matured and i think that's what matters.

They’re both good. They’re speaking like usual and they still go to each other’s houses to do homework or strategise about their upcoming matches.

Bokuto still runs to his house with a book in his hand with a splotchy red face that’s slightly wet; he still picks him up at lunch time to eat together even if he’s a third year and their buildings are apart; he still sends him videos of owls at three in the morning with too many exclamation points and ironic kaomojis. And of course, Keiji still opens the door with an amused face and hands him the handkerchief that’s basically his already; he still leaves the classroom with the third year to go the edge of the school to talk to him about owls and the shows he thinks he might like; he still replies about how cute they are and the eventual reminders of the time and that they should both go to sleep.

Not much has changed but in some ways, they’re distant.

Bokuto doesn’t hug him anymore, doesn’t lift him up when they win a practice match. He’s almost forgotten the way Bokuto’s calloused hand feels like entwined with his, the smell of apples and pine when he presses his nose against his shirt. It feels lonely when no one brushes the hair that covers his eyes away when he draws in his sketchpad. He’s stopped lying down on top of Bokuto’s body when he’s reading a book about owls.

“Hey, Akaashi?”

Keiji lifts his head up and looks at Bokuto, cocking his head. “Yes, Bokuto-san?” He asks.

“We’re going to your house today, right?” He nods in confirmation and sees the relief flooding in Bokuto’s eyes. “Okay, good! My parents are at the house today and I don’t really like going there when they’re there.”

“You can stay over for the weekend if you want, Bokuto-san,” Keiji says. He knows that Bokuto’s parents are not the ideal type of parents. They’re rarely at the house, always travelling to different countries. And when they are in Japan, they hardly pay attention to their son, clearly disinterested at what Bokuto tells them. Keiji remembers the time he went over to Bokuto’s house and saw the way the two adults interacted with their son: awkward and stilted. They offered smiles with no true emotion behind them and words that felt meaningless and empty while Bokuto desperately tried to call their attention to him, telling them that he’s the top five ace in the country and that his english grade is better now because his current teacher actually tries to understand him. In Keiji’s opinion, they’re a pitiful husband and wife who has no idea about how great Bokuto Koutarou is.

Still, Keiji is thankful because that was the catalyst that brought them to have sleepovers. They would laze around Keiji’s house, try cooking exotic foods if they could, run around the neighbourhood because Bokuto would insist, pet some stray cats because Keiji loves cats and of course, they’d hardly sleep, only getting two hours of sleep at the most because that’s what sleepovers really are: staying wide awake with your friends (“Is it really?” “Yes! Now, let’s watch the owl facts video again!” “But this is the fifteenth time?”)

“Yes! Thank you, Akaashi!” Bokuto looks like he’s about to give Keiji a hug but stops himself and ducks his head.

Keiji purses his lips in dismay but says nothing as they continue their way to his home. When reach the cross section where they usually split, Bokuto tugs on Keiji’s sleeve. “I’ll go get some clothes first, Akaashi. You can go ahead,” he says, smiling brightly at him. “I know where your home is.”

“Are you sure? I can accompany you if you wish,” he offers, secretly hoping that the older boy will decline. He doesn’t like being impolite, especially to those who are older than him but he also detests Bokuto’s parents for neglecting their only son.

Bokuto shakes his head. “No, it’s okay! I’m sure my parents will be relieved that I’ll be staying away while they’re there.” Keiji nods, already used to the unfiltered words of Bokuto and waves goodbye to the older boy who’s already running down the hill.

His home is only a five minute walk from the crossroad but he walks slow, watching the clouds shift above his head. The sky is pink tainted with bright oranges and lively purples; there’s a pensive ambience in their air that only grows as Keiji thinks of Bokuto and how they’ve stopped being so physically intimate with each other. It’s probably one of the more influential reasons to why he has a crush on his senior so it’s a good thing that they’ve stopped being so touchy with each other. But is it right to feel so downcast when he’s beginning to achieve what he want? To stop liking Bokuto Koutarou?

“But it feels lonely, I suppose. I must’ve gotten so used to Bokuto-san’s hugs,” Keiji muses softly to himself.

When he arrived home, he takes his shoes off and goes to the kitchen to see his cat, Momo perched on top of the refrigerator, napping blissfully while swinging her tail in a way that one could describe as “lazy.” Keiji carefully opens the fridge and eyes the candy bar before resigning to taking out an apple. He heads up to his bedroom, shuts the door with his foot and flings himself on his bed. He looks at his phone and calculates that Bokuto will arrive back in roughly thirty minutes, depending on how long he’ll try to interact with his parents.

He stares at the ceiling and his thoughts drift to random things like his history homework which he’s finished with but unsure with some of the answers, his parents who aren’t going to be back until Tuesday, the rumours about his classmate who‘s supposedly dating a famous fashion blogger which is fine except for the fact that they’re both _girls_.

His heart clenches and he groans into his pillow, trying to direct his thoughts onto a different subject like the upcoming Interhigh. But it’s proven to be useless as he keeps going back to the subject of his homosexuality. He grimaces and wonders if his parents will notice a new picture frame since he really wants to break something badly.

It’s not that he’s against it. He’s never cared about boys loving boys and girls loving girls; he’s always just seen it as people loving each other. But he doesn’t want to be like that. He wants to like the opposite sex like most do, he wants to view girls the same way his peers do, he wants to sense the same appeal of kissing them, seeing them naked or having sex with them. He doesn’t want to disappoint his parents. He hardly sees them anymore and he doesn’t want to lose hearing their voices that always bring a sense of warmth and acceptance with it.

Keiji glances at his phone and there’s still twenty minutes until Bokuto arrives. He has time.

* * *

 

There’s always a bitter feeling that accompanies the satisfaction that Keiji feels after getting off. It’s mostly guilt and distaste at himself for imagining a boy, for picturing Bokuto in his fantasies. Sometimes he wonders if there’s a way to get rid of his sexuality, to change it. When he feels desperate and full of anger at himself, he would go on incognito mode on his phone even if no one else touches it and search different variations of how to become straight even if the results are always of no use.

As he slips an oversized white shirt that reaches his knees on, he hears someone knocking on the front door so he goes down to open it. He’s not surprised when he sees Bokuto wearing a grey hoodie and black sweatpants that pool around his ankles. He has a backpack on his shoulders and surprisingly, his hair is down, silvery strands covering his golden eyes. Keiji resists the urge to brush them away because things are different and there are parameters in their friendship now.

“Hi, Akaashi! You look red, are you okay?” Bokuto asks, stepping into his personal space and peering at his eyes. There’s a touch of panic in his voice which oddly touches Keiji. “Do you have a fever? Do you want me to make you soup or something? You should lie down!”

It should be embarrassing for Keiji since he just jacked off to the boy who’s standing too close to his face but considering the many times he’s done it an seen Bokuto right after, he’s quite used to it already “I’m not sick, Bokuto-san. Come inside,” he opens the door wider and steps to the side so Bokuto can enter the house. Keiji’s not surprised when Bokuto asks him where Momo is.

“Last time I checked, she was sleeping on the fridge. Let’s check,” he says, following Bokuto.

“Okay! I miss Momo a lot. My parents don’t want me to own a pet; even just a bird or hamster,” Bokuto says. “So- oh hi, Momo!”

Keiji fondly watches Bokuto pick his cat up with care and bring her close to his chest. The first time Bokuto tried to pet Momo, Momo lashed out and scratched him. After many apologies, Bokuto finally got Keiji to hush and told him it was alright. And the next few times he would come over, he would do his best to win Momo’s heart by giving her treats, buying her new toys and giving her mackerel that he supposedly got from Kuroo (Keiji still thinks that he bought it because there’s no way Kuroo would give Bokuto mackerel no matter how close they are). But it was only when Bokuto fell asleep on the couch after doing his math homework did Momo walk into his lap and pressed her face against his chest. Like a good friend, Keiji took photos and sent them to Bokuto and for a few weeks, it was his display photo on twitter.

“We can go to my room if you want, Bokuto-san,” Keiji says. “Do you have homework?”

Bokuto nods cheerily as he drapes Momo on top of his head. It’s cute in a way, Keiji thinks.

Once Bokuto steps inside his bedroom, he sets Momo down before lying down on the floor. It’s of the eccentricities of the ace of Fukorodani Academy but Keiji’s grown used to it and does his best to avoid stepping on the third year. He sits down on the windowsill and pulls a pillow to his chest. He watches Bokuto play with Momo, petting her and cooing at her as she cocks her head at him with some kind of odd fascination. Keiji feels his cheeks heat up again as he envisions Bokuto and himself in an house somewhere with a baby, acting all domestic and giving each other love sick looks. But he knows it’s not possible because Bokuto doesn’t like him back and there’s no way he likes boys.

“Hey, Akaashi?”

“Yes, Bokuto-san?”

“How many kids do you want?”

Keiji blinks and wonders if Bokuto is actually a telepath. So he decides to test his hypothesis.

_I like you and I want to hold your hand and kiss you and do very inappropriate things with you like suck your dick and ride you until we both can’t go any further and also voice my adoration for you._ He stares at Bokuto who doesn’t seem to exhibit any outward signs of embarrassment for a minute before concluding that it was merely a coincidence.

“I only want one. Any more than one seems exhausting,” Keiji finally explains.

“I want two; one daughter and one son,” Bokuto says. “How about you? Since you only want one kid, which sex do you prefer?”

“I’d want a girl. A boy seems more troublesome in general. But I don’t really care,” _since I won’t be able to have one._

Bokuto hums. “I hear some of the girls in my class saying they don’t want to get pregnant and I was thinking that if I get a wife and she doesn’t want to get pregnant then we’ll have to adopt which I still think is cool,” he says. Keiji’s mind short circuits and he finds himself thinking, _why didn’t I think of that?_ But he quickly recomposes himself and sees Bokuto llifting himself on his elbows to look at Keiji. “I think family doesn’t have anything to do with blood in the end. I mean my mom and dad conceived me but they don’t really care about me.”

Keiji frowns at Bokuto’s tone and eases himself onto the floor so he can see the older boy’s face better. There’s bitter resentment but also resignation in his eyes.

“They don’t really love me, don’t they?” Keiji doesn’t answer. He knows they don’t but he can’t bring himself to tell him that to his face.

“They hardly look at me anymore. Their responses are always so… so cold,” Bokuto says, hands fidgeting in his lap. “They used to care for me, you know? Have I told you that?”

Keiji shakes his head and inches closer to Bokuto. “Why did they stop?” He asks.

Bokuto gives him a humourless smile. “I’m manic depressive, remember? When they found out,” the smile slides off his face, being replaced by a morose look. “They distanced themselves from me. They were fine with the fact that I’m not good at math or that my grades aren’t stellar; they didn’t even mind that I don’t want to be a doctor or a lawyer or an engineer. But I guess being bipolar is too much for them.

“But I should be thankful, I guess. They didn’t kick me out, they send me to a good school and they still buy my medication. I could be having it worse.”

Keiji is silent before speaking again. “Neglect is a form of abuse too, Bokuto-san.”

Bokuto glares at him but there’s no real venom behind them. “I know! I know, Akaashi.” His voice breaks at the end and Keiji sees tears threatening to spill to his cheeks. “I just- I wish I wasn’t like this. I feel like being bipolar just made me… it made me bad. Like, it made me all weird and messed up and terrible. I know I could be a top three ace in the entire country if I just stop messing up in the middle of a game and I know you guys have to compensate and carry me when I do. My classmates don’t really like partnering up with me because they know that I’ll get something wrong and I just- I wish I could be normal.”

It’s not the first time Bokuto has opened up to Keiji. But it always feel like a shock when he does because he knows the older boy doesn’t open up easily. He’s easy to read and he says whatever goes on his mind but he doesn’t tell just anyone his secrets, his fears, the thoughts that quell in his mind that could be too much if held in for too long. And sometimes, Keiji feels like his words aren’t enough, that he should do more, be a better friend. But his words are all he can offer so he does his best.

“Bokuto-san, your parents may not cherish you but your friends do. Your team admires you so much even if you get into your dejected mode in the middle of a match because you shine so brilliantly when you play well. You’re good at japanese literature and science and you’ve told me your classmates all seem to like you well enough. If I remember correctly, some of them even researched about being bipolar and how to help when you told them about it.

“You are well loved as you are, Bokuto-san. It doesn’t matter; you’re a good person and a good friend to all of us,” Keiji moves even closer to Bokuto so that their knees are pressed together. “You’re perfect the way you are.”

And there, Bokuto cries. Keiji moves forward to hug him and thread his fingers through his hair. He feels tears soak his shirt but he doesn’t mind. He rubs circles on the older boy’s back and waits for the sobs to subside to sniffles. When Bokuto stops, his eyes are red and puffy and his cheeks are wet and flushed. But he’s smiling genuinely at him so he decides that he’s okay.

“Thanks, Akaashi. You’re so nice to me,” Bokuto sniffles. “I think you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

His heart beats faster in his chest and he hopes he doesn’t show how happy he is. “Not even volleyball?” He teases.

Bokuto looks scandalised before he laughs, filling him with a pleasant feeling. “Akaashi! That’s not fair!” He wails. Then he looks at Keiji, in a way that’s reminiscent of an owl. “But I guess I’d choose you over volleyball if I had to choose.”

Keiji doesn’t know how to reply so all he does is take Bokuto’s hand in his and smile, trying to convey all the unspoken words through it, hoping that Bokuto will catch it all. He feels Bokuto’s hand squees his back and he feels relief wash over him.

Keiji hears Bokuto say something but he doesn’t catch it. “What did you say, Bokuto-san?” He asks.

Bokuto’s face turns pink and he shakes his head animatedly in what seems to be embarrassment. “Nothing, Akaashi! Nothing! I think I should do my homework now!”

Keiji shrugs it off and steals Bokuto’s science textbook and reads it as the third year starts doing his math homework. It feels like they’ve gone back to normal, with the way their feet are touching, the times Bokuto lifts his head up from his notebook to pout at him then brush his hair back, the moments when Keiji gazes longingly at Bokuto with a soft smile on his face and ducks down before he can be caught only to feel the older boy move closer to him; it feels like they’re back to normal indeed.

_I love him. That’s why it hurt when we stopped. I don’t like Bokuto Koutarou. I love him._

Keiji sighs and decides that he’ll worry over that some other time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from Stuck on a Puzzle by Alex Turner. A hella nice song that makes you wang to sing along and imagine you’re in some kind of dramatic romance movie lol
> 
> i was a minor when i made this and akaashi's canon age was close to mine so i thought that it was alright for me to make that scene. it's not. even as a minor, i shouldn't have made any kind of nsfw work because it's can be considered child pornography since a minor is involved. i apologise to anyone who read this and felt uncomfortable because of that scene and i really mean it. i seem like those boo hoo im so sorry i wont ever do it again (i really won't tho i've really learned) ass kissing youtubers when a scandal abt them being problematic comes up but i just don't know how to make this seem genuine and im really really sorry.
> 
> ~~OKAY BUT YEAH DISASTER GAY AKAASHI !!!!! I KEPT LAUGHING WHEN I MADE THE NSFW THING BC KSDNKSSBSJS IMAGINE MASTURBATING BEFORE YOUR CRUSH COMES OVER LMAO~~
> 
> ~~AND THEN WHEN HE THINKS THAT BOKUTO MIGHT HAVE TELEKINESIS ???? AKAASHI IS SUCH A DISASTER GAY~~
> 
> ~~and that was my first time writing something nsfw it’s shit but idk we all have to start somewhere right?~~
> 
> next update will be next week i guess
> 
> scream at me on [twitter](%E2%80%9Ctwitter.com/gloomflovvers%E2%80%9D) | donate to my [ko-fi](%E2%80%9Cko-fi.com/gloomflovvers%E2%80%9D)


	3. My feelings are fatal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: suicidal thoughts

If Keiji could describe what he loves the most about Bokuto’s physical appearance, it would be his eyes. Of course, like any other person would, he also adores the ace’s thighs and and arms with no shame. He’s seen the rest of his team ogle at Bokuto’s muscles and it puts him at ease when he knows he’s not the only one. But his eyes are stunning, breathtaking even. It’s even more prominent when the third year spikes a ball with so much power it causes the blocker’s hands to crumple away like nothing but paper. After that moment, Bokuto will always look at him in awe with flushed cheeks and beads of sweat rolling off his chin; but Keiji can only see his golden eyes that’s full of wonder, sparkling with joy. He never likes seeing them dull, like a precious metal that’s become tarnished. In a sense, he does his best to keep the shine in Bokuto’s eyes present, like a man polishing his precious gold.

“So? What’s your favourite things about me, Akaashi? Is it my hair? My hands? My wonderful thighs?”

Keiji sighs inwardly and gives Bokuto a brazen look. “Perhaps you should ask me what I dislike about you. I’m sure I could tell you at least a hundred.” He tells the older boy who predictably cries at this.

It’s a Saturday and since Bokuto needs new kneepads and a new book and Keiji himself wants to buy some weights and a new sketchpad, they decided to go to the mall to buy their things together. It’s not uncommon for them to do it. Sometimes, they’ll be joined by a member of the team or a classmate of Keiji who’ll either quickly grow enamoured with the third year or find him annoying; it’s a 50/50 chance really.

However, they’re alone today and whenever they are, Keiji can almost imagine them going on a date. There are times when he wonders where Bokuto brings the girls he dates out to; a cafe where not a lot of people go to? A restaurant that’s cheap but still serves good food? A small park where they can walk around and hold hands? A love hotel? Bokuto never tells him the details about his dates and Keiji never asks so he doesn’t know; just that it was fun or it was boring. But the last option seems too far fetched since Bokuto doesn’t seem like the type of guy to do that. But then again, maybe that’s why he doesn’t know much about the third year’s dates.

It’s starting to get cold in Japan and the crisp wind doesn’t help either. It’s common knowledge that Keiji gets cold easily and prefers hot summers over bitter winters. As he lifts the collars on his jacket up to his cheeks, he inwardly curses himself for not wearing a scarf and resists the urge to go closer to Bokuto for warmth. Yet, Keiji still feels the bitter chill creeping up in his bones and all he can do now is wrap his arms around himself in a feeble attempt to warm himself up.

This is when Bokuto glances at him and stops walking, an odd look on his face. “Are you cold, Akaashi? You forgot your scarf again! You should know you get cold easily,” the older boy berates Keiji while unwrapping his own scarf from his neck. “You could’ve told me; you know I don’t mind the cold much.”

Keiji feels his pulse quicken as Bokuto wraps his constellation pattern scarf around his neck, sticking his tongue out as he does. The scarf still feels warm from Bokuto’s body heat and Keiji savours it, pushing the cloth closer to his face. All that’s visible is his eyes now and he sees the older boy give him a shy smile before walking again. It’s times like these that Keiji feels like he’s loved back by Bokuto. While the boy is most loud and rambunctious, there are times when he’s soft with him, sending him smiles that melts his insides and staring at him with childlike wonder.

Keiji suddenly looks down at the ground and grimaces. _Should I tell Bokuto-san that I’m gay? I know at least he isn’t disgusted by the notion of same sex relationships but of course, the time he called me babe could’ve been a joke. Maybe he’s actually homophobic. But when the team thought that we’re dating, he didn’t react violently at all. But he did tell me it could’ve been a fun prank. Ah, but he lets me hold his hand when we’re alone. What if he likes boys too? But he’s never shown interest in other boys before. All he does is talk about girls and I’ve seen him kiss several of them before. Okay, so Bokuto-san is straight. But maybe I should still tell-_

Bokuto cuts his train of thought. “Akaashi? Are you alright?” Keiji blinks and nods. “Are you sure? Because you looked like you were making that face when you’re overthinking something really hard and it’s bothering you a lot. I’m like a million percent sure you’re pouting right now.”

The third year pulls the scarf down and shouts in glee when he sees that Keiji is in fact pouting. Several people gives them nasty glares but Keiji’s grown accustomed to them and hardly pays them attention anymore. It caused him discomfort at the first few times it happened but it became a normal occurrence in his life ever since he became so close with Bokuto.

“Bokuto-san, please be quiet. You’re disturbing other people,” he scolds quietly. “And we’re almost at the mall. Are you going to get the same kind of knee pads again?”

Bokuto fills the silence by explaining the benefits of the knee pads he own and the nonexistent cons of it, going as far to tell Keiji that his thighs are as important as his arms and that if he ever wants to touch them, it’s perfectly fine to do so as long as he’s awake (“Bokuto-san, please stop.” “Akaashi, do you not want to touch them?” “Fuck off.” “ _Akaashi!_ ”). The mostly one-sided conversation touches all of Bokuto’s many favourable traits such as his biceps, his abs, his neck, his hands and other body parts that sends Keiji into a trancelike state of mind. By the time they arrive at the sports shop, Keiji feels like he wants to fling himself over the building from embarrassment because if Bokuto keeps talking, he may have to run to the nearest bathroom and lock himself up there and complain that he has diarrhoea so that the older boy can leave him alone.

“Bokuto-san, we’re here. I’m going to find some weights, okay?” Keiji quickly leaves the third year so he can calm down and regain some sense of control over his thoughts.

Ever since that disastrous sleep over in his house, Bokuto’s been extra touchy and fishes for more compliments- but only with him. It’s a bit tiring, but on some level, Keiji enjoys it. Well, he does love him so it’s not really a surprise.

Keiji frowns and bites the inside of his cheek and mulls over it. _Love. I’m in love with Bokuto-san,_ he picks up a weight and lifts it several times before deciding that it’s too light for him. _Bokuto Koutarou is a boy and I’m in love with him. But am I really in love with him? Maybe I just have a crush on him. It’s better than being in love with him. Crushes can disappear easily too. And I’m always around him so it’s not a surprise I fell in love-_

He stops and shakes his head. _Okay, so what if you’re in love with Bokuto-san? It’s perfectly fine._ He thinks.

_But it really isn’t._

“Akaashi! I got what I need!”

Grateful for a distraction, Keiji looks at Bokuto who’s holding up a pair of knee pads that go higher than what most wear in volleyball. The first time he wore those kind of knee pads, everyone found them weird and a bit distracting but as time passed, everyone would probably break if they saw Bokuto in normal length knee pads. It’s just a part of Bokuto now like with his weirdly styled hair and the many “HEY HEY HEY”s they have to endure.

Keiji hums. “I can’t decide what weights I should get. Want to help me?” He asks.

As always, the third year is more than happy to help and points out what Keiji should be doing in his routine if he wants to build more power. He points out that body weights could help him a lot and he ends up purchasing them. From there, they go to the bookstore and quickly buy what they want. Bokuto gets a japanese translation of a well known english novel and Keiji himself gets a new sketchpad and a new eraser.

Then, they walk to their usual hangout, an ice cream parlour and talk about anything over their ice cream. It’s a quaint shop that has a steady stream of customers but it’s not packed either. A woman mans the cashier and when she sees them, she doesn’t even have to ask, she just gets them their usual orders and they thank her as they give her the money they owe. They sit down in one of the booths, away from prying eyes that’s dimly lit by a semi-broken lightbulb.

“Do you ever think about the babies you stay with in the little baby place in the hospital after you’re born? Like, for all I know I could’ve roomed with a genius sho could change the world later on!”

Keiji eats a spoonful of his chocolate mint ice cream and ponders over it. “I haven’t. But now that you’ve mentioned it, there is also a possibility that you’ve shared rooms with a future murderer,” he says.

“Always so cynical, Akaashi. But that’s okay! I’m positive enough for the both of us,” Bokuto points his chocolate covered spoon at him. “And you can be the negative one!”

Keiji nods. “Okay. By the way, my mom and dad are home so I won’t be going to your house tonight. You can always come over if you want,” it’s not a lie. Keiji’s parents love Bokuto as much as they love their own son. They never questioned his friendship with the boisterous boy who’s one year older than him yet significantly more immature than him and treated him kindly which resulted in Bokuto crying one time during their earlier sleep overs (Keiji still didn’t know about his parents so all he could do was stay with the wing spiker until he stopped crying).

“Ah, I don’t think I’ll go over tonight. I’m going to do an essay- but you have to help me edit it please! I don’t see my errors most of the time!”

“You always do. But don’t worry; I’ll do it,” Keiji focuses his attention on his ice cream and shovels the rest of it in his mouth, savouring the taste. When he’s done, he sees Bokuto staring at him and he has the urge to turn away. He doesn’t.

“Uhh, there’s ice cream on your mouth, Akaashi,” Bokuto points at his face.

Keiji blinks and raises his hand to his face. “Oh,” he tries to locate the ice cream but to no avail.

“Here; let me wipe it for you,” Bokuto leans in and gently cups his face and for some reason, Keiji feels oddly calm as he gazes into Bokuto’s eyes, not minding how close they are. The older boy’s thumb grazes the side of his mouth and he sees Bokuto look at him, eyes bright and shining. He pulls his hand back but they make no move to sit down again.

“Akaashi, I’m-”

Then, Bokuto seems to remember they’re in a public place and moves back to his seat, cheeks glowing pink. His eyes flicker down to the ground and he’s smiling bashfully which sends Keiji’s heart into a frenzy. He starts feeling the embarrassment and the tingly feeling that run through his hands and the ringing in his head; he likes Bokuto so much. He loves him so much.

Bokuto stands up sluggishly, not quite looking at him. “Uhh, Akaashi? Can we head back? I have to get working on that essay,” he says, the words almost coming out in a mumble.

“Of course, Bokuto-san.” _Maybe I’m was just imagining it but it seemed like Bokuto was going to confess or kiss me._

The trip back home is not quiet. Bokuto tells him about which colleges he wants to get into and the course he’ll take (Todai and Education respectively) and how he’s going to adopt a pet bird even if his parents don’t permit this. He listens with vague interest, nodding and saying yes at the right times and if something doesn’t add up, he’ll ask a question. As they near their neighbourhood, Bokuto starts telling him about his new neighbour who’s the same age as him and does volleyball as well.

“She’s so cool, Akaashi! Her name is Watababe Fumiko but she lets people call her Fumichi. She can set and spike and receive really well! Her spikes aren’t as powerful as mine but they’re still pretty powerful! And she’s really pretty! I noticed that her eyes are almost like yours,” he says solemnly, unaware how Keiji is starting to deflate. “I don’t think you’re the prettiest person I know now.”

Keiji sighs. “I don’t mind.” He lies.

Of course he minds. He’s always minded. He felt jealousy when he saw Bokuto kissing a girl behind the gym when he was a first year, barely accepting he has a crush on the older boy; he felt loneliness when he spotted Bokuto holding a girl’s hand while they spoke in their classroom; he felt confusion when Bokuto started playing with his hair like it was normal; he felt betrayal when Bokuto announced he was dating a college girl who came by once in a while during the start of the year but quickly stopped after a month. He’s always minded. He in love after all.

“Well, maybe one day you’ll mind. But you should come meet her one day. I think you’ll like her,” Bokuto says.

“Do you like her, Bokuto-san?” He asks.

Bokuto cocks his head. “Well, of course I do! That’s why I’m friends with her!” He says.

Keiji inwardly rolls his eyes. “No, I meant if you like her in a romantic way,” he explains patiently.

The older boy pauses, stopping in his tracks for a moment before walking again. “Oh. I’m not sure,” he says. “I think I might. Maybe I’ll ask her on a date to make sure.”

Keiji hums, feeling the jealousy in his heart grow even more. “Okay.”

They reach the fork in their path and part ways, Bokuto yelling “Goodbye!” while Keiji merely waves. There’s a big possibility that the third year will visit his new neighbour and ask her on a date. The sun is dipping in the horizon, casting an orange glow around Keiji’s surroundings. He stops to pet a stray cat he’s seen ever since it was a kitten and fishes a treat out from his pocket. It’s a small cat in stature, covered in white fur and orange spots. For some reason Keiji can’t remember, he named her Hana.

“I wish I could take you home but my mom and dad would kill me,” he says, watching the cat eat the fish shaped treat in vigour. “We already have another cat.”

Hana stretches and mewls in reply before stalking off, tail raised high. Keiji watches it lie down under a car before resuming his walk home.

Feeding Hana lifted his spirits a bit but he could still feel the gaping hole in his chest caused by his envy of the new girl who piqued Bokuto’s interest and his anger and shame by it. He still hates being gay. If he could, he would make himself straight. But he can’t; he just can’t.

He opens the gate to his home and closes it and walks to the front door. He opens it and takes his shoes off, hearing music drifting from the kitchen and light chatter. He walks to the source of the noise and sees his dad cutting up vegetables while his mom is is stroking Momo on her lap.

“Your client is guilty and we both know it,” his mother says, amusement covering her face. “Do you really want to win?”

“Of course not. In fact, I don’t mind if I lose. He’s still paying a large sum of money just by me being there,” his father says. He turns around and finally sets his eyes on Keiji. “Ah, Keiji! Do you mind helping me?”

Keiji nods. “Of course not, father.” He says, quickly joining his father who hands him several potatoes. It’s become tradition for them to cook a meal together when they got together. The first time they did it, Keiji found it boring and laborious but as time passed, it was a welcome pastime that helped him learn to cook for himself when his parents are gone.

“How’s school faring, Keiji? How’s the volleyball club?” His mother asks.

“My grades are good and we’re doing well. Bokuto-san is a good captain,” Keiji says, chopping the potatoes. “I knew he would be.”

Keiji’s mother smiles. “I’m sure he is. What’s his plans for university? Will he continue volleyball?”

“I’m sure he wants to go pro. I won’t be surprised if he does; he’s a very talented player,” he replies. “Here, father.”

They continue like that, batting off questions for each other to answer, Keiji asking questions about his parents work, their co-workers and their latest cases. Both of them are renowned lawyers which causes them to fly all over Japan and sometimes even abroad. But Keiji honestly doesn’t mind since they do their best to make it up to him by spending their down days with him most of the time. The moments they spend together eases Keiji off his burdens for a moment, genuinely enjoying his time with them. It fills him with a sense of ease and contentment.

“That reminds me Keiji,” his father says, setting down the steaming beef soup he prepared. “Do you have a girlfriend now?”

In a blink of an eye, all the warmth Keiji feels is gone. It’s replaced with an icy terror that prickles his skin as he stares at his parents, doing his best not to gape. He shakes his head and picks his chopsticks up to start eating the noodles that are submerged in the light broth. But he quickly finds out that his hands are trembling slightly so he opts to lift the bowl to his lips and drink the soup instead.

“Really? You’re a handsome boy, Keiji. I might even dare to say a pretty one,” his mother says, not noticing the way he’s paled. “Girls must fawn over you.”

“They do. I reject them,” he informs them. It’s only half the truth but it’s fine. He’s fine.

_He’s not._

His father chuckles. “So you’re a heartbreaker. Or are the ones who confess just not your type?”

You could say that. “Yes.” Keiji doesn’t elaborate any further and prays that his parents won’t question any further. Alas, his luck is the worst and they continue to prod.

“Maybe you should at least go out on a date with them before turning them down completely,” his mother suggests. “It’s the way your father and I started out.”

“Exactly, my dear. When you get a girlfriend, remember to bring her home when we’re available, Keiji. We trust your judgment,” his father smiles kindly at him but Keiji’s insides are churning and it feels as if he’s swallowed a rock, leaving the impression of something heavy weighing down on his chest.

“I will. Thank you,” he can feel the panic rise up in him and his mind feels surprisingly light.

 _Calm down. Don’t cry. Calm down. Don’t cry._ He instructs himself as he begins to eat. _Calm down. Don’t cry. Calm down. You have to be in your bedroom. Just wait. Don’t do this now._

He stays relatively silent as his parents talk about their latest jobs and when he’s done with his food, his mother shoos him away.

“Do your homework, Keiji. I can do the dishes,” she says. “You can take a break from these.”

He bows slightly. “Thank you.”

Keiji leaves, hoping he doesn’t betray his haste to get to his room. When he gets there, he locks the door and stands still before finally sitting on his bed. His breath comes out in choppy rhythms and the void in his chest feels like it’s consumed him whole. He lies down slowly and throws his blanket over himself and feels hot tears streaming down his face.

There are days when Keiji breaks. He keeps his emotions bottled up inside and when they become too much, he breaks and lets it all out at once, draining himself of all his energy. He’s aware that it’s not the healthiest way to let go of his feelings but his troubles are something that he can’t tell anyone about. The fear that his parents will leave him forever is too big, takes up too much space in his mind. He doesn’t want to lose them completely, he doesn’t want them to slowly turn into the parents Bokuto has. He doesn’t want to hate them because they hate him.

He has to be the perfect son for them because if he isn’t, maybe they’ll stop coming home.

+

The next few days pass in a blur. Keiji is only half aware of what’s happening but he turns in all his assignments that will at least get him a 85%. He knows his grades are suffering badly but he’s doing his best and yet, he’s still slipping. He sleeps on his desk, whenever he can and his classmates thankfully don’t bother him. They let him be, defending him when he accidentally dozes off in class and gives him empathetic smiles when he tells then he doesn’t feel so well. He feels useless and stupid when he gets his science test back, a red 81 written on top of it; it’s the lowest score he’s received since entering high school. But all he can do is stuff it in his bag and wait for class to end.

He doesn’t join Bokuto during lunch, opting to stay in his classroom to draw in his sketchpad, using hard strokes that leave no room for mistakes. He draws dark landscapes and figures that could be part of a horror story; his classmates describe them as ominous when see it and he can’t help but agree. _Ominous_. He can’t help buy feel like his fate is dark.

It’s even worse in volleyball club, he can hear his teammates whispering, throwing him odd glances and talking to him in a way that’s obviously skirting the edge of something dangerous. His serves hardly make it through the net and his tosses are mediocre at best. It doesn’t do anything to help his current state and a week has passed and he still feels like a piece of shit. The pressure of being an honour student and vice captain is finally getting to him. When Keiji breaks, it starts with one thing until he overthinks it and starts to branch out until he’s fully consumed by darkness.

“Akaashi, you okay? You look paler than usual,” Konoha tells him. “Maybe you should’ve stayed home.”

Keiji looks down from the scrutinising gaze of the third year and sets his water bottle down. “I’m fine.” _Liar_. “Let’s go warm up.”

After warming up, the coach orders them to have a match against the second string players who all look oddly pleased at this. Their setter serves first and Komi receives it, sending it to him. Keiji jumps and pushes the ball where Bokuto will be. A cold feeling takes over him when he realises, it’s a bit short which causes Bokuto to have some trouble spiking it. They still earn the first point of the set but he can feel that everyone knows he’s not doing well.

After flubbing his seventh toss to Bokuto, their coach finally calls him over and tells him he’s been pulled out from the game. “Akaashi, go sit down on the bench. Take some time to calm down,” Keiji looks up from his hands to the coach who’s giving him a stern look. He glowers at his hands, like they’re the sole reason of his incompetence and sits down on the bleachers, clutching his knees tightly as he watches his teammates play significantly better once their reserve setter steps in.

 _They’re better off without you. You’re useless. You can hardly set a ball anymore._ He watches Bokuto slam the ball down on the other side of the court and give Fumishita a high five. _You should quit the volleyball club. It’s not fair for them. Maybe I should give them a reason to hate me. Maybe I should tell them I am gay. Maybe they’ll ask the coach to kick me out and I won’t have to resign. Maybe I will._

He sits there on the bleachers for the rest of the practice and once they’re done, he apologises to his coach, bowing slightly before joining his team in the showers. They don’t talk to him, giving him space; he isn’t sure if he’s supposed to feel relieved or not.

 _Maybe I should just kill myself. It’s easier like that._ He turns the tap and steaming hot water washes over him, easing some of the tension from his muscles. _I won’t have to deal with any of this and maybe my parents will understand. It’s easier like that. Maybe I will. Maybe I’ll find some rope in the house. Or maybe I could find a building- wait no. I hate heights. Rope is better._

Keiji sighs and leans onto the tiled wall before turning the shower off and drying himself. He’s not going to do it. He’s thought of it more than once before and he never pulled through. He’s going to get out of his slump and forget about it until the next time he falls into a deep depression again like he always. But at the same time, it feels like he won’t recover. He feels as if a monster grew inside him, taking all his energy. Nothing can kill it. No one-

“Akaashi! Wait for me!”

He turns around and sees Bokuto slipping into a black shirt while running towards him, hair plastered around his face. His grin seems to amplify when Keiji sends him a frown but stands still. Perhaps he was going to ask him about his performance during the match.

“Bokuto-san. I’m sorry about my tosses,” he’s about to bow when Bokuto put his hand on his shoulder. He looks up, startled, and sees that the taller boy is smiling gently that for some reason, reminds him of a warm hearth during a cold winter’s night.

_Warm. That’s the embodiment of Bokuto Koutarou. He’s warm._

“Don’t worry, Akaashi! We all have our days,” he says. “But it’s the first time I’ve seen you this down so I’m going to treat you to some food! Is that okay?”

While he would very much like to wallow in his own misery for a couple of hours in the confines of his room, he hasn’t eaten a full meal since his parents left him. Which means he hasn’t really eaten anything except wheat bread with jam and instant noodles for the past four days. Might as well start eating healthy again now.

“Why not, Bokuto-san. What do you have in mind?” He asks.

They leave Fukurodani together, Bokuto humming lively as they walk to their destination, a small ramen shop that Bokuto just found some time ago. The sky is a deep shade of blue that swells with dark purples, the wind roaring past them. Every now and then, Keiji feels his captain’s hand brush against his, lingering a few seconds sometimes. To him, it’s like a reminder that there’s still a light in his life. A small beam of hope that keeps him grounded.

Suddenly, something wet lands on Keiji’s cheek and in a flash, they’re both standing under heavy rain.

“Do you have an umbrella?” Bokuto shakes his head and asks the same.

Bokuto curses and takes his hand. “Ah shit! Let’s run!” Keiji feels himself being pulled along and he has no choice but to follow the older boy’s pace, dashing across the torrential rain, jumping over puddles and passing people who hold umbrellas over their dry heads. Finally, they come to a stop where a small and old ramen shop stands, wedged between a small rundown building and a house that’s sprawling with plants and flowers. The restaurant itself is an alcove of heat and bustling customers who seem to be regulars. Several businessmen have their coats hanging from their chairs while talking in high spirits and students wearing different uniforms are bundled together at the back, talking in hushed tones, eyes flickering to the entrance several times as if they’re waiting for someone to start drama with them.

Bokuto whisks him to a vacant table and they’re given menus that are laminated crudely. They order the same thing and Bokuto asks for extra meat- typical. Keiji removes his jacket and puts it on the back of his seat. His shirt is damp but he’s thankful it’s not drenched. The heaters of the restaurant warms him and he watches Bokuto wring his hair dry with a hand towel.

“Guess we should’ve brought an umbrella, huh, Akaashi?” Bokuto says. “I didn’t check the weather forecast today.”

“I didn’t either. Sorry for putting you through all this trouble,” Keiji says.

The third year shakes his head. “No! It’s okay! I like spending time with you, ‘kaashi. Even if it means I gotta run in the rain,” he says.

Keiji feels warmth spreading through his body and he’s sure it’s not because of rhe heaters. “Me too,” his voice is hardly above a whisper but it seems like Bokuto hears him anyways because his eyes shine like stars.

“Oh, that reminds me! I wasn’t able to tell you about my date with Fumicchi! It was terrible, Akaashi.” Bokuto tells him somberly. “We had a good time then suddenly, her boyfriend picks her up! She thought we were going on a friendly date! Well, it’s okay. I didn’t actually like her anyways.”

Keiji lets out a strangled sound that attravta the attention of the other students. “You asked her out on a date even if you knew you didn’t like her?” He asks, incredulous.

“It might’ve been fun. Besides, I only go on dates because they ask me to. They’re fun but they’re not as fun as being with you,” he says, winking at Keiji.

Their food comes shortly after and Keiji enjoys the way the hot food seem to fill some of the cold he feels. Or maybe it’s because Bokuto is sitting beside him, shoulders brushing. The bitter feeling Keiji felt for the past week starts to fade. It’s still there and he can feel it but it’s not as raw anymore; it’s like it’s healing. Outside, the rain comes to a halt, the last drops of rain falling to the pavement that’s shining from the gleam of the sun.

“Bokuto-san, why are you so nice to me?” He asks out of the blue.

Bokuto’s eyes widen and he hastily swallows his food and straightens up to face him. “Because you’re nice to me, Akaashi! You’re my favourite setter and person! You can always come to me when you have problems, ‘kay? You really make me happy, you know?” He says. “And I guess, I don’t like seeing you sad. It makes me sad too.”

Keiji takes time to process this information then smiles. It’s not a big, toothy smile that Bokuto often wears. It’s his own smile, the small one that’s rare for people to see and even rarer to see in photos. Bokuto’s cheeks are red but he doesn’t even try to interpret it anymore; he wants to stay happy at the moment.

“I understand,” he says and he really does. “You make me happy too.”

According to science, there’s no such thing as cold, just the lack of heat and Bokuto Koutarou is warm, with all his sunny smiles and bone crushing hugs and his mere presence. And still, Akaashi Keiji seeks him, no matter what the consequences.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from feelings are fatal by mxmtoon it’s such a mellow song i love playing it when it’s raining ??? 
> 
> wow writer’s block is mean i struggled so much with this chapter rest in piece
> 
> akaashi,,,,,, bokuto likes u too,,,,, it’s so obvious,,,,, he’s clearly gay for u too,,,,,, son,,,,,, stop overthinking,,,,,,,,, it’s bad for u,,,,,,
> 
> leave a comment to water my crops thanks ; u ;
> 
> scream at me on [twitter](%E2%80%9Ctwitter.com/moonflovers%E2%80%9D) | donate to my [ko-fi](%E2%80%9Cko-fi.com/gloomflovvers%E2%80%9D)


	4. I am on my way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m going back to school tomorrow which means my life is going to be hectic. rip summer hello senior year :(
> 
> this is somewhat of a buffer chapter. it’s a silly thing that’s a bit of a contrast to the next chapter so enjoy the fluff while you guys can! i love you all!!

**fondle me some balls**

balls fondler #5: What the fuck?

balls fondler #11: lmao big mood

balls fondler #2: im this close to leaving our gc

balls fondler #4: then perish.

_Washio Tatsuki has left the group._

_Bokuto Koutarou added Washio in the group._

balls fondler #4: no escape

balls fondler #7: wow same

+

**Bokuto Koutarou**

2:58 < AKAAAAAAAHI  
< *AKAAAAAAAAAASHI  
< I GOT ACCEPTED INTO TODAI IM ACTHALLY GONA CRY  
<*ACTUALLY GONNA

3:21 > How long did you wait to open the letter?  
> It’s 3 in the morning.

3:26 < I HAVE ANXIETY ISSUES OKAY  
< STOP BEINF MEAN TO ME AKAASHI :c

3:28 > I’m never mean to you.  
> If I recall correctly, I’m your favourite person.  
> Why would your favourite person be mean to you?  
> Btw, do you want to go out to celebrate?

3:38 < ^^ the chat above proves that ur mean to me  
< AND Y E S  
< WILL YOU TREAT ME ?????

3:42 > If I were mean, I wouldn’t treat you to barbecue.

3:43 < NOOOOOOOOOOOOO  
< AKAASHI YOURE THE BESTEST PERSON EVER  
< YOU HAVE A HEART OF GOLD

3:54 > Do you want to invite anyone else?

4:02 < KUROO ALSO GOT ACCEPTED INTO THEIR CHEMISTRY COURSES  
< WE SHOULD CELEBRATE WITH HIM AND KENMA  
< WE SHOULD EAT WITH NEKOMA !!!!!!  
< OH OH OH AND LET’S INVITE KARASUNO TOO !!!!  
<OH YOU KNOW WHAT WE SHOULD INVITE ALL THE THIRD YEARS FROM THE VOLLEYBALL CLUBS

4:21 > Bokuto-san, no.

4:21 < :(

+

**_Akaashi Keiji_ **

**Tweets and Replies**

Akaashi Keiji @ _prettysetter5_ : I don’t deserve this.  
_58 Retweets 103 Likes_

_Replies to @prettysetter5_

@ _meowtastrophic_ : there are times i wonder just how popular akaashi is in his school then i see this tweet and i think, Akaashi is really popular  
_53 Likes_

@ _prettysetter5_ : @meowtastrophic says the guy who has 4k followers  
_43 Likes_

@ _HootHootmf_ : @prettysetter5 @meowtastrophic you have 5k followers !!!!!!  
_43 Likes_

@ _IntrovertedSgammer_ : @HootHootmf you have the same amount  
_18 Likes_

@ _meowtastrophic_ : @prettysetter5 @HootHootmf @IntrovertedSgammer Kenma actually wins because he has 8k followers and most of them are active  
_21 Likes_

Akaashi Keiji @ _prettysetter5_ : Speedpaint of Fukurodani landscape  
sketchpad8_pg10.mp4  
_11.3K Retweets 33.6 Likes_

**Replies to @prettysetter5**

@ _meowtastrophic_ : IM YELLING AKAASHI WHAT GE FICK  
_67 Likes_

@ _HootHootmf_ : I taught you well my young paladin  
_89 Likes_

@ _IntrovertedSgammer_ : nice.  
102 Likes

@ _prettysetter5_ : @IntrovertedSgammer: Thanks, Kenma.  
_121 Likes_

+

**Bokuto Koutarou**

14:29 > Momo misses you.  
> MomoSittingOnAPhotoOfBokutoAndAkaashiDuringTheCulturalFestival.jpg

14:39 < Akaashi I’m going to steal your cat.

14:57 > The door is unlocked.

**Konoha Akinori**

22:32 < Remember to water your crops > ^ <  
< lol sorry wrong send

22:36 > Why are you befriending Ushijima Wakatoshi?

22:36 < LMAO AKAASHI IM

**Kozume Kenma**

23:47 < akaashi how do u deal with emotions

23:49 > I don’t.

> Sorry.

> Is something wrong, Kenma-san?

23:54 < kuro and bokuto r graduating  
< i dont want kuro to go yet

23:59 > Me too.  
> I wish Bokuto-san would stay a bit longer.  
> Is it selfish?

00:03 < its not  
< im just going to miss him

<ill miss em both

< do you think they’ll gorget ys

00:06 > Bokuto-san will visit Fukurodani whenever he can and I’m sure Kuroo will regularly check on Nekoma as well.  
> I don’t think they’d ever forget us.  
> They care for us a lot.

+

**_Notifications_ **

**Instagram**

21:48 Hinata Shouyou commented on a photo you’re tagged in

21:46 Kuroo Tetsurou commented on a photo you’re tagged in

21:46 Shirofuku Yukie commented on a photo you’re tagged in

21:41 Konoha Akinori commented on a photo you’re tagged in

21:39 Watanabe Fumiko commented on a photo you’re tagged in

21:30 Bokuto Koutarou tagged you in a photo

**Twitter**

21:30 @OikawaTooru quoted your tweet: HE’S ACTUALLY PRETTY GOOD WHAT THE FUCK

21:24 Kuroo Tetsurou replied to your tweet: BO WHY THE FUCK DID YOU THINK YOU COULD PULL THAT OFF

21:19 Owl Boi replied to your tweet: AKAASHI IM SORRY I PROMISE I’LL MAKE IT UP TO YOU DO YOU WA…

**Messages**

5:02 Bokuto Koutarou: Do you think I could spike some balls while wearing high heels?

+

**Mother**

16:13 < We’ll be coming back next week Tuesday, okay?  
< I bought you your favourite sweets.

21:20 > Okay. Thank you.

+

**History**

[ x ] _Delete Selected_

> 3:08 Ways to Come Out To Your Parents

> 3:06 How to Deal With Homophobic Parents - LGBT Kids

> 3:05 Homophobia and How To Deal With It

> 3:02 Coming Out to Your Parents

> 2:59 Stepping Out Of The Closet - LGBTQ+ Resources

> 2:56 What to do when it all goes downhill - LGBTQ+ Resources

> 2:56 How to come out - Wiki How

> 2:54 Google Search: How to deal with homophobic parents

> 2:52 Google Search: How to come out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter and most likely the last will be posted in two weeks or in a month. depends on how stupidly hard school is and how well i cope with it.
> 
> it will be filled with angst and lots of angry bois and perhaps the nekoma bois making an appearance !!
> 
> I WILL ALSO MAKE A COMPANION FIC TO THIS TOLD IN THE POV OF BOKUTO BECAUSE THIS STORY FROM BOKUTO’S POV IS WAY HAPPIER THAN THIS ONE (still angsty but happier)
> 
> PS that thing akaashi posted with 11k rts and 33k likes is actually a watercolour art of fukurodani that he did which is BEAUTIFUL but becomes a rickroll lmao
> 
> PPS kenma has a lot of followers bc he posts gr8 memes and uploads quality snippets of him playing games. he tried to soft block most of his followers when it was still a small amount but they became too much and he’s too lazy to make a new acc so he just ignored them all and muted his notifs
> 
> PPPS bokuto spiking,,,,, with high heels on,,,, bitch we all know he would do it,,,, akaashi was forced to video him,,,,, his tweet is a video of him doing it perfectly but then running to akaashi and then trips and then falls on him,,,, disaster boys,,,,


	5. You don't have to say i love you to say i love you

There are times when Keiji wonders, what’s it like to love someone without the fear of being shunned away. He’s read novels where the author writes that loving someone is perhaps, one of the hardest things a person could do. But those were all about relationships with the opposite sex; had they not accounted for the fact that perhaps, loving a person of the same sex would be harder? He sometimes thinks that perhaps, he would have accepted Kurosawa’s confession and they would have gone out together. Maybe, he wouldn’t be having such a shittier time. Would he be closer with the boys in his class? Could he be happier?  
  
Keiji doesn’t know. He won’t ever know and it doesn’t matter anymore. He’s going to come out. He’s going to tell the people who care for him. He’s gay; so what? But thoughts like that have been keeping him up late at night until the early cracks of dawn.

  
He releases his breath and looks at the sky as he hears the door shut behind him. He’s going to come out to the volleyball club first and he won’t back out. Not anymore.

He makes his way to the fork of the road where he usually waits for Bokuto. Ever since he joined the team, Bokuto would insist that they go to school together and at first, he was wary of this, not totally sure of the third year. He’d only agreed because he was his senpai and it would be rude to deny his request. But as time gradually passed, he found that he enjoyed their walks together and his company.

He even considered Bokuto a good friend. And that hasn’t changed even at present.

When Keiji looks to his left, he comes face to face to Bokuto who looks as startled as he feels he does. He blinks for a moment before straightening up and greeting the older boy.

“Good morning, Bokuto-san. You’re up early today,” he comments, tilting his head a little. “And your hair is down.”

Bokuto looks embarrassed at that and scratches the back of his head. “My parents are home until next week since it’s almost graduation,” he explains, pink dusting his cheeks. “I don’t have much of a choice.”

Keiji hums and looks away. Truthfully, while he does find Bokuto attractive with his hair up, he finds that Bokuto with his hair down is a whole new experience for his gay ass. Perhaps it’s because with his hair down, Bokuto can look extremely threatening and sultry, giving him winks that send his heart flying. It gives him this aura of seriousness that obviously doesn’t fit his personality but still somehow accentuates his features to a certain degree. Not only that, when they’re alone, Keiji will play with Bokuto’s hair, twirling it with his finger or sometimes even tugging it when he’s in some kind of mood.

So yeah, Keiji really likes having Bokuto’s hair down.

“Shall we go?” Keiji asks, already moving forward.

“You ask me that yet you leave me behind,” Bokuto grumbles as he catches up with him. “You’re terrible.”

“You think I’m a wonderful person,” Keiji teases, giving the third year a sideway glance. He doesn’t expect Bokuto’s cheeks to be dusted pink, eyes scrunched up in irritation- seemingly at himself.

“Yeah, I do,” Keiji’s heart stops for a moment before it resumes, pounding faster. It’s been _months_ since he’s had a crush on Bokuto and yet he still reacts the same way, like it’s still the first time Bokuto’s complimented him or put his hand on his shoulder or look at him with this look that Keiji _still_ can’t understand entirely.

Gods he really does loves Bokuto Koutarou.

The rest of the walk is uneventful. Keiji yawns from time to time since he only got three hours of sleep while Bokuto seems to be caught up in his own world, looking down at his shoes as he walks. Keiji has no doubt it’s about his parents staying until the end of the week. He won’t blame him at all if he’ll flub a few serves or miss a few spikes during practice considering the nature of his parents.

While the third years have already officially graduated from going to practice, they’re already done with their exams and only go to school to practice for their graduation march. Because of that, they spend most of their free time hanging out with the volleyball team and practicing with them when they can. When nationals ended, Keiji’d been so afraid that he’d be left alone to guide the team but Bokuto slowly helped him ease into the role of captain and helped him remember all the names of their entire team including their strengths and weaknesses.

_“How about them?”_

_“What do you mean?” Bokuto asked, still dashing around the gym with a mop._

_Leaning on the ball cart, Keiji sighed. “I don’t know. I don’t think I’m fit to be the leader,” he said. “You understand them because you know them. I don’t really talk to them.”_

_“Being captain doesn’t mean being the friendliest guy on the team, Akaashi! You just need to lead them,” Bokuto stopped mopping the floor and gave him a smile. “And you’ve already been doing that with me, remember?”_

At that time, Keji wanted to say that in itself was the problem; that they had done that _together_. To him, it meant an astronomical change that he’s sure he can’t handle. He’s used to Bokuto around him and he isn’t sure if he has the strength to do it by himself. With a little shake of his head, Keiji pushes those intrusive thoughts away and focuses on the path they’re taking, enjoying the clear sky.

When they arrived at the gym, Keiji opens it up, still unused to the fact that he holds the keys instead of Bokuto. He can hear Bokuto hum a tune behind him as he opens the doors. It’s a small reminder that they’re on the brink of change and that nothing lasts forever.

 _Well, if nothing lasts forever then I should just appreciate the cherry blossoms while it still blooms_ , Keiji thinks as he steps inside.

Keiji starts his warmup as Bokuto gets the balls from the storage room. It’s normal for the two of them to be the first ones at the gym. They set everything up and then they practice whatever they can practice. Keiji will set balls for Bokuto or sometimes Keiji will practice adding power to his serves which Bokuto will try to receive them or sometimes, on lazy days they sit on the bleachers and take a nap or just talk quietly, murmuring to each other about life. Today, they practice their serves then head up to the bleachers just fifteen minutes after they enter the gym.

“Since your parents are here, you guys gonna go visit a politician or something?” Keiji asks as they walk to their usual spot.

“I don’t think so? I think we’re just going to eat at this stupidly overpriced fancy restaurant somewhere. I honestly prepare our cooking more than those things,” Bokuto says, giving him a  bright smile. Keiji gives him a small one in return, honestly more elated than he’d let on.

Bokuto coughs, cheeks turning pink. “Anways, I wonder what the world would look like if we could see more colours,” he says once they settle down. Keiji is sitting across him, his back on the wall as his Bokuto leans back on his hands. The gym is large and the sun has barely risen yet, casting soft hues of purple and gold around them. Oddly, even if the world feels vast and spacious around this time, it’s the only time Keiji feels big, like he’s ready to take on the world.

“It’d certainly be a pain in the ass for all the colour theory I’ve been learning,” Keiji comments.

“Yeah, but it’d be beautiful, wouldn’t it? And it’d be interesting to learn how to use it in practice, wouldn’t it?” Bokuto gently kicks Keiji’s foot with his. “Wouldn’t it?”

Keiji gives him a smile before he yawns. “Yeah, it would be,” he says, slumping even more to the wall.

Bokuto gets up and sits beside him. Almost automatically, Keiji rests his head on the Bokuto’s shoulder and starts to drift off. “You’ve been yawning a lot. Don’t worry, you can sleep, Keiji,”

He isn’t entirely sure if he heard Bokuto say Keiji when he wakes up. What he does know for sure is that some time when he was sleeping, Bokuto had gotten up and left him his jacket as a makeshift blanket. He adjusts himself so that the collar of the jacket covers his nose, allowing him to breathe in the smell of lavender and detergent. It’s quite comfortable so Keiji contemplates staying like that just a while longer but he can hear the squeaking of volleyball shoes against the wooden floorboards and the easygoing talk of his teammates filling the air with the sense of familiarity.

With a sigh, Keiji stands up and stretches his arms a bit while releasing a yawn. He carefully folds the jacket and hangs it over his shoulder. He goes down slowly, and when he sets his feet on the floor, he’s greeted by his teammates with jovial smiles and small waves. He places the jacket over a chair and approaches Bokuto who’s spiking balls set by their reserve setter, Fumishita. He acknowledges Fumishita with a smile who returns it easily. He’s a promising first year who’s also got killer serves and will most likely be a starting player unless some first year next year happens to be a prodigy or clicks in better with the Fukurodani team dynamics.

“Hey, Akaashi! Enjoyed your nap?” Bokuto asks, still looking fresh while the others look like they want to start packing up.

“You should’ve woke me up. Morning practice is almost over now,” he replies, giving him an unimpressed look.

The older boy is about to reply when Konoha comes to the scene, sticking his tongue out at Keiji. “We tried but you kept shooing us away. Honestly, Akaashi, do you even sleep?” He asks, clucking his tongue. “You were glaring at us- you scared most of the first years, by the way.”

“I do. I just didn’t sleep very well yesterday,” Keiji says, ignoring the last comment. He checks the wall clock and shrugs. “We should start cleaning up. The bell’s going to ring in fifteen minutes.”

“Got it, _Kapitan Dos_ ,” Konoha gives him a salute before rushing off the to the direction of the first year to predictably tell them to start cleaning up. Keiji can only roll his eyes at the title given to him by the third years. Even if the mantle of being team captain has officially been passed down to him, Bokuto still attends practices so Konoha suggested they called them _Kapitan Uno_ and _Kapitan Dos_.

Keiji helps them out, throwing the volleyballs into the cart, making sure he doesn’t throw them so hard so they don’t bounce out. He spots Bokuto running around with the other first years, cleaning the floor of their sweat with the mops and rags from the equipment room. A particularly clumsy first year trips and the entire gym bursts into good-natured laughter while Keiji only smiles as he watches Bokuto help the boy up with a grin.

His mood dampens a bit when he realises, that this feeling may leave once he tells them. He puts his hands together and starts pulling on his fingers, pinching and twisting them at times. The feeling of unease grows inside him until it grows into full blown panic.

 _Maybe today’s not the day to tell them. I can wait a bit longer. Maybe I shouldn’t even tell them,_ Keiji thinks, biting his lower lip. _This is so stupid anyways. It’s better if I just don’t._

“Akaashi! What’s with your ‘I’m really stressed right now’ expression?” Konoha asks, slinging his arm around his shoulders. “You got some important test or something?”

“It’s nothing,” Keiji lies smoothly, removing the third year’s arm around his shoulders. “Don’t worry about me, senpai.”

Komi wrinkles his nose. “Don’t call us your senpai, Akaashi. We’re all past that. But you really do look pretty troubled though.” He says then looks up at the ceiling as if thinking of something then shoots a glare at Bokuto. “Did Bo do something?”

While Bokuto protests in the background, Keiji shakes his head. “No. I just… I wanted to tell you guys something,” he says it before his mind can even catch up with his mind. He stops for just a split second before looking away. He’s going to do it. He’s actually going to do it. He won’t back out anymore. He can do it.

 _Nope. Please just kill me._ Keiji thinks as the team gathers around while the regulars crowd beside him, Bokuto immediately moving beside him. The older boy gives him a thumbs up as if to reassure him but all it does is cause his heart to jump to his throat. However, he doesn’t want to worry Bokuto anymore so he gives him a weak smile before turning to the rest of the team. He’s twiddling with his fingers even more now and he desperately wants to pinch himself hard until blood comes out.

Keiji opens his mouth to begin but he realises, he doesn’t know how to start. His heart starts beating terribly fast and he feels as if he could drop dead any moment. He puts his hands behind his back and he begins squeezing his own hand until it begins to hurt.

He doesn’t even have to look but he knows that it’s Bokuto’s hand that‘s on his shoulder. “Are you okay, ‘kaashi?” He asks.

He turns to Bokuto and finds his golden eyes. Slowly, he calms down and lets out a sigh. “I’m okay now, Bokuto-san. Thank you,” he says, inclining his head a bit. He looks back at the rest of the team and starts speaking before he can change his mind yet again.

 

“I don’t know how to begin this, really. I hope that none of you will look at me or treat me differently after this. I am still Akaashi Keiji, your _Kapitan Dos_ as for the moment and your teammate,” he says, bowing at them all before standing up straight. He meets their curious and befuddled looks and thinks if he should really do this.

 

_You really should._

 

“I’m gay.” None of them says a word and all their faces turn blank, unreadable to his eyes but he pushes on as he feels the tendrils of fear sprout in him. “But that doesn’t mean I like every each of you nor do I peep at any of you when we change in the locker rooms; I am not a pervert. I don’t want this to change anything  I hope that you accept me as who I am,” Keiji bows again, lower this time. All he can see are his shoes and he doesn’t want to look up anymore. Perhaps he would see a sea of angry faces and disgusted looks. Almost a minute passes and no one moves to him or tells him to look up. He can feel his heart beating out of his chest, the coldness washing over him.

He straightens but he doesn’t dare meet their eyes. Their entire demeanour towards him have changed and he doesn’t dare stay any longer than that He mumbles a quick goodbye and rushes out of the gym, already feeling hot tears drip down his face. He wants to leave the school and never return but it was his choice to come out. Somewhere in his head, he wonders why none of the regulars of the team even tried to talk to him. _Why didn’t Bokuto talk to me?_ He sits down through class, in recluse and somewhat unapproachable with a frown on his face.

He does his best to listen to his teachers’ lecture but he just can’t. All the words just slip from his mind, gone from his memory the moment it enters. His classmates seem to notice he’s not in the mood so as always, they make sure he’s not disturbed. He appreciates their efforts as always but he wonders, how will they react once word reaches them. He isn’t stupid; the volleyball team will probably talk about it but maybe they’ll try to keep it within them. But again, what’s stopping them?

 _I’m only really close with the regulars and I hardly talk to the others. They could be spreading the truth now._ His hands still feel icy cold so he clasps them and squeezes hard. _They could be spreading lies._

Keiji groans and feels a headache from behind his temples which progressively gets worse as time passes. During lunch, he goes to the infirmary alone despite some of his friends in class offering to take him there. He tells to the nurse that he doesn’t feel well and asks to be sent home.

The nurse gives him a look, concern flashing briefly on her face before it returns to its normally stoic face. “Your parents shoul-”

“My parents aren’t in the country. I can go home myself,” he says, already feeling more terrible as the seconds pass. “It’s not the first time.”

The nurse bites her lip before nodding. “You can leave, Keiji-kun but _please_ get some rest,” she says, giving him a slip. “You look horrible.”

“Yes, Oba-san. Take care,” he says weakly. A taking his bag from the chair outside the infirmary.

Lunchtime is already ending when he’s heading outside the school gates so he doesn’t bump into anyone on his way out. He hands the guard a slip and continues his way home, feeling numb inside. The streets is jammed with people who are probably going to eat out for lunch with coworkers or friends. Keiji passes by them, feeling the bitter feeling in his stomach grow and the pain in his heart double.

_Oh gods, why did I do that?_

When he arrives home, he doesn’t bother cooking himself lunch or opening the fridge to find a snack; he just rushes upstairs and lands face first on his bed. He doesn’t know how long he lies there, crying softly but he can feel Momo crawl beside him and paw him, like she’s asking if he’s okay. Gently, he lifts his head and opens his eyes to see a blurry vision of his cat facing him with wide eyes.

Keiji turns so that he’s not lying on his chest anymore. “Momo, why am I gay?” He whispers, scooping the cat into his arms. “I’m okay with it now but I wish… I don’t know. I expected it.”

Momo stays silent and Keiji hugs her, feeling the ache finally settle down on his bones. His hair is matted on his face with a mix of sweat and his shirt all rumpled and full of creases. He doesn’t even have to look at a mirror to know that his eyes are swollen and red while face is pale with an unhealthy flush. What’s the point in caring when he knows he just ruined his high school life- and potentially his entire life too.

 _I’m going to have to resign from the volleyball club,_ Keiji thinks and he feels tears starting to spill again. _I’m going to have to hide. Will someone try to beat me up? This is the worst decision I’ve ever made in my life. How am going to deal with this? Will they tell other people?_

_Will Bokuto-san hate me?_

Keiji shakes his head at the mere of thought of it. _No, he wouldn’t hate me. Maybe he’d be annoyed because I didn’t tell him first._ A fond smile comes over his face, as timid as it may be.  _He’s such a child. But he’s a good senpai too._

_But would he really?_

At that moment, Keiji feels Momo mewl loudly at him while scratching him gently. It’s a gentle reprieve from what trainwreck thought he could’ve gone to so he’s grateful for it. Momo spares him a glance before jumping down his bed and leaving his room, presumably to go to the first floor of the house. He watches her go before standing up himself to quickly change his clothes before going to see who it is. He changes into an old shirt that he took from his father’s closet (it’s worn out so he likes it and his father never wears it so it's reasonable for him to claim it) and a pair of black sweatpants. While he dresses, he looks out his window and admires how well the sun shines on his surroundings and the contrast of the brilliant blue sky.

 _At least I’m feeling better. Not really but I don’t want to die, so that’s something._ Keiji thought. _I’ll survive- as long as I don’t see them or think about them. Yeah, I can manage._

_I think._

When he goes down, he notices how weak his knees feel; they feel soft like jelly, shaking sometimes. For some reason, it makes him laugh a bit.

“I’ve played at nationals two times now and I’ve never felt this exhausted after a game,” Keiji tells nobody. “That’s sad.”

He reaches the kitchen and stares at the fridge for a full minute before deciding he’s not really hungry. He settles on getting a banana from the fruit basket and brings it upstairs. But before he could even reach the second floor, the doorbell resonates across the relatively empty house.

A beat. He goes to the front of the house to open the door, Bokuto is standing there with a plastic bag in his hands. He’s wearing a peach coloured sweater and black, loose pants that are cuffed at his ankles.. And while Keiji knows that Bokuto is supposed to be going to dinner with his parents, for some reason, he’s not even surprised to see his face. All he does is opens the door wider and lets him inside. The older boy enters his house, already making his way to the kitchen. Keiji lets out a little sigh before following him behind.

“You know, you have a bad habit of not eating when something like this happens,” Bokuto says. He doesn’t turn around to look at Keiji, he just goes into the kitchen and sets the plastic bag down.

Keiji scoffs and takes a seat on the counter, peeling the banana in his hand. “Can you blame me?” He asks. In all honesty, he wants to yell at Bokuto. He wants to ask why he didn’t run after him or why he’s here or why he even bothered. But he keeps his mouth shut and waits for an answer.

There’s a beat of silence before Bokuto finally looks at him with eyes he can’t quite understand. “I don’t. I just wish you took care of yourself a bit more.” He says patiently.

 

Keiji doesn’t know what to say so he nods in reply then takes a bite of the plantain. After that, Bokuto takes out a pot and begins cutting up vegetables he seems to have brought with him in the plastic bag. He never asks Keiji to help him out and he never offered his help so all he does is watch Bokuto manoeuvre silently around the kitchen with ease due to the countless times they go there and cook. Keiji almost smiles when he remembers the time Bokuto accidentally used sugar instead of salt for seasoning their meat.

 _Come to think of it, it’s the first time Bokuto cooked by himself here,_ Keiji thinks. _He’s pissed at me. Oh gods, why did he even come here?_

Keiji slouches and rests his head on the cold tabletop, frowning at the thought. Panic is clawing at his throat, a chill going down his spine as he thinks. _He’s so cold to me right now. Is this a goodbye? Bokuto usually likes to wrap things up before leaving someone so maybe this is his way of doing that. Shit. Holy fuck, Bokuto hates me. He’s going to leave me because he hates that I’m gay. I wish I never told them that. Fuck I-_

The telltale sound of a chair being dragged causes Keiji to lift his head up to see Bokuto sitting across him with a small huff. The first thing he notices is how stiff Bokuto is sitting which only causes more panic for him. But he sits up straight with his shoulders tensed up. His hands are shaking ever so slightly but he clasps them together and quietly waits for the older boy to start speaking.

“I’m sorry.”

There are panels in manga where the mangaka draws the character often with a silly face with a black background with white flashes to depict the feeling of disbelief. In that moment, that was what Keiji felt. But in a typical manner, he only expressed it in a split second before returning to his default face.

“What do you mean?” Keiji’s tongue feels heavy, like it’s made out of lead. Or perhaps more accurately, he feels like he’s dissociating, feeling light then suddenly seemingly watching the entire scene out from his body, by an outsider floating by.

“You came out to us and I didn’t even run after you when you left. I looked for you during lunch but your classmates said you left early,” Bokuto explains, cheeks turning redder after each word. “I wish I ran after you but some of them looked really… I don’t know.”

“Disgusted? But when I looked up, they looked like they were just… avoiding my eyes.” Keiji finishes lamely. He doesn’t understand; he remembers all their faces. They all looked blank canvases in his eyes. But looking back, it didn’t look like their faces were blank canvases; instead, they looked like paintings with a few layers of white paint on top that _tried_ to hide the truth.

“I made the scary, serious captain face,” Bokuto shoots him half a grin but he immediately drops it, resuming a grimace. “And when you left, I spoke to _all_ of them. The rest of the team helped you know? Like Konoha, Komi and Washio. I don’t think they’ll tell anyone else so don’t worry, Akaashi! As long as we’re still here, we’ll make sure no one gives you a hard time.”

Keiji looks down and takes a deep breath. There are several things on his head but he doesn’t really comprehend any of them. He feels like drowning, flying and grounded all at the same time. He doesn’t know what to feel. Then, Bokuto opens his mouth to speak again.

“Akaashi, I-“

Tears spring from Keiji’s eyes, spilling down his cheeks while snot begins to form in his nose. “I thought you hated me.” He says, unable to look at Bokuto. “I thought all of you hated me.”

The third year looks at him with wide eyes, expressing a variety of emotions all at once. But they settle on a certain look that Keiji cannot decipher, cannot comprehend to save his life. But it’s nothing he should be afraid of, he decides. He could never be scared of Bokuto.

Bokuto walks to him and opens his arms, inviting Keiji to fall into his arms. Slowly, Keiji inches towards him and buries his head on Bokuto’s chest, exhaling deeply as more tears sting his eyes. Shaking slightly, he wraps his arms around Bokuto and feels the third year reciprocate, hugging him tightly.

Keiji wants to speak, tell him more but his sobs are wracking his body, rendering him speechless. Instead, he moves his head to the crook of Bokuto’s neck and does his best to stop crying.

“Akaashi, I could never hate you. I’d choose you over a thousand things like my parents' stupid dinner. I don’t care if you’re gay- you’re still Akaashi. You’re the one who always helps me out of my slumps and you’ve always been there for me. I’m not going to leave you. I’d never leave you, Keiji.”

When Keiji hears Bokuto say his name, he cries even harder but at the same time, he smiled. He looks up, eyes closed and even if he knows his face is red and wet with tears and just basically a mess, he gives Bokuto a smile that he will never know the reaction to. But it's enough. He knows Bokuto. It's enough for him.

_“Thank you, Koutarou.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title is from troye sivan's for him.
> 
> yES IM BACK IM SO SORRY
> 
> first of all if ur an old reader, bless u for reading this even if such a long time has passed. if you're new, dw i'm going to update in like a month or two :>  
> since im a graduating student, i'm really busy with projects and i'm just generally exhausted with everything. i also lost inspiration for this bUT IM BACK !!! i posted another bokuaka story while i was gone tho so mayhaps check it out it's called hitomeguri
> 
> if u spot any mistakes, pls tell me im on the brink of passing out and i'm so rusty at capturing the style of this story rn everything is just really rusty so please forgive me if everything is awkward and doesn't fit the tone of the previous chapters!!!
> 
> ps konoha saying kapitan uno and kapitan dos is my way of sharing my hc that he’s half latinx

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter title is from the lyrics of San Junipero by Carousel Casualties. It’s a really good song and it’s about lesbians who run away together and marry each other :0
> 
> This was originally a fake dating fic but I decided not to make it one because I’d rather have Akaashi suffer :>
> 
> Anyways, I’ll post the next chapter soon- maybe in three days or next week. And if y’all ever want to beta for me, hmu uwu
> 
> scream at me on [twitter](%E2%80%9Ctwitter.com/gloomflovvers%E2%80%9D) | donate to my [ko-fi](%E2%80%9Cko-fi.com/gloomflovvers%E2%80%9D)


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